Okay so, freshmen year --- the best part of this year I can honestly say is surprisingly not college at all.  It's being in Boston, particularly, being within walking distance of awesome concert/show venues.  I don't care if that sounds irresponsible or stupid or w/e. It's the truth. Everything I look forward to, everything that gets me excited beyond belief is the anticipation of seeing music live.  This year I have been able to see artists live that I only dreamed of seeing.  Everything from hugely popular artists to smaller unknown artists. For me, the best part of a live show (as in small venue like the Paradise or Middle East) is the intimacy, the energy, and most importantly, the emotional human connection that occurs between performer and audience. 

It's funny, if there was a school for this, people who accel in attending concerts, who analyze the mood and energy of the crowd, who study and give their full attention to the music and how it's played from the microphones right down to shoes, then damn i'd transfer to there right now; art school be damned.  As much as I love photography and drawing and all of that creative mumbo jumbo, I believe I would be more content in life if I was doing something involved in this world.

There's something sooo, fulfilling and inspiring about watching a singer pour their heart out into a song -- to watch them use their entire body to depict a hightened emotional feeling -- to see them become almost one with their instrument(s).  I'm usually one the verge of tiny tears from atleast one song.  The banter that occurs at a show, during a change of tuning or a transition from one song to the next, always makes me smile because it's just so, genuine.  Laughing at a joke or hearing the stories singers tell of a previous show, things they've noticed on tour, meanings behind songs, really emphasizes the idea that, hey, these are real people and yes they care. 

Care, as in, they care about what they do. The songs that they write; the music they compose. And when they can appear to play their stuff live and play to a group of people who also care, and who appreciate the singer in return for caring,(i hope that made sense) I'm sure it's a very humbling and satisfying experience. One that anyone would be lucky to encounter.

   

well
i guess i'll sit here lay here
i should be asleep beneath my wal-mart electric blanket
the itchy one that doesn't match my sheets
instead of this clandestine meeting of fingers to keys

Honestly, a screamer and a speaker? I don't think I could admire her more, lol.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

i will learn how to love a person and then i will teach you and then we will know

seen from a great enough distance i cannot be seen
i feel this as an extremely distinct sensation
of feeling like shit; the effect of small children
is that they use declarative sentences and then look at your face
with an expression that says, 'you will never do enough
for the people you love'; i can feel the universe expanding
and it feels like no one is trying hard enough
the effect of this is an extremely shitty sensation
of being the only person alive; i have been alone for a very long time
it will take an extreme person to make me feel less alone
the effect of being alone for a very long time
is that i have been thinking very hard and learning about existence, mortality,
loneliness, people, society, and love; i am afraid
that i am not learning fast enough; i can feel the universe expanding
and it feels like no one has ever tried hard enough; when i cried in your room
it was the effect of an extremely distinct sensation that 'i am the only person
alive,' 'i have not learned enough,' and 'i can feel the universe expanding
and making things be further apart
and it feels like a declarative sentence
whose message is that we must try harder'

okay so, tonight: Amherst - Mullins Center -- reminded me of why i fuckin love evanescence soo much.
#1. Amy Lee is Fuckin Awesome; still is and always will be my idol
#2. Head-banging is so totally HOT
#3. totally still [goth] inside
#4. piano/colored light shows = mind trip to magical land of darkness and amazingness
#5. Amy Lee is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO nice/funny!
#6. her voice makes me cry, her eyes make me die

I had heard earlier that during this tour she had started playing "Understanding (Wash it All Away)" (wicked ill-asss beautiful old song from Origin *squee*) so I was PRAYYINGG to all that is right in the world that she would play it tonight and SHE DID AND IT WAS AMAZINGXXXXX GAH.

so yah, that song completely made my life. + mullins center is definetley up there on best concert venues cuz i can get soooooo close without risk of being stomped on to death, lol. [seriously]

So, in summary, show was awesome, amy was fuckin amazing/beautiful/fun, set was ill, lights were crazy, music was incredible, venue was chill, freinds were love.

Can't wait till I see them again. Like I told chris tonight, "Every time that I see them, it's like the first time".
and oh, it really is

Why is it that my eyes burn?

Why is it that my eyes burn?

My hands say it’s from overworking.
My legs say it’s from running.
My heart says it is from running,
my mind…it doesn’t say anything.

And my eyes…still burn.

I wonder, would it be silly to will oneself to cry?

The need to express emotion is almost silly.
I’ll tap my fingers and hum hum hummm.
Some tune that will hopefully awaken my heart strings,
because tugging at them alone just doesn’t work.

Then I’ll blink, as my eyes become dry.

Two more blinks, and they shut.
It’s amazing how I see more when I can’t see at all.
First, I’ll wish to see something I’ll never know,
then I’ll wish to be something I’ll never have.

…makes my eyes squeeze tightly.

Finally, one tear falls.
And my eyes…still burn.

again, why do i continue to come home some weekends. ma mere has more faces then a freakin rubix cube.

When I look back to when I was younger, I remember that the highlights of going to elementary and middle school was the actual "walking" there. I was mos def a hardcore walker - even if I wasn't looking forward to school that day, I always looked forward to walking there. It was really nice to live so close to each school.

I remember thinking how beautiful/amazing it was, especially on sunny summer days w/ a breeze, on cool fall days w/ colorful foliage, and on heavy winter days when the snow was soooo high that I thought I was in some offset of Narnia or other mysterious/foreboding wonderland.

I also looked forward to walking to school because I usually walked with a friend/friends that lived near by or on the way, and that was always/most of the time fun. I remember in elementary school, I used to walk/ ride my bike with my best friend e.j.. Our  parents would either walk us to the start of the Paton path, or just see us off. And we'd usually race there, or play imaginary or tag on the way.

In middle school, for sixth and half of seventh grade, I walked there each day and met up with my best friend Brittany on the way. That was really fun too. In middle school I remember it being fun to always be going over your friends' houses after school, doing homework and just playing around. Brittany and I did that a lot in sixth grade and most of seventh.

As awesome as it was to be the first eighth grade at the new high school, I was really sad that I wouldn't be a walker anymore, since the new high school is on like the freaking edge of town. I think I was also scared to because unlike a lot of kids, I wasn't used to riding a bus to school. The idea seemed incredibly foreign to me. The only time I had ridden them really was when we had field trips in the younger grades, and somehow I had this irrational fear that by riding the bus I would contract some sort of evil illness that came from ingesting toxic bus fumes. Gahh. But I quickly got used to it - the getting up and waiting and riding. What really got me through that was the radio and my music. Ha, I remember how every single day in eighth grade and ninth grade, while waiting for the bus to come, I'd by listening to 94.5fm Romero & Pebbles and would always hear that days' "jamscan", soooooo funny. My dad loved them too.

I was really disappointed that I never got to attend any school at the old high school. I loved that building and had sooooo many memories there, and was really looking forward to the day that I'd be a student there. Nowadays, I really try to avoid from going to it now that it's been turned into another middle school, which is hard to do seeing as how my mom works there now. But like, I dunno, I just want to keep the vision, the memory of how it used to be in my mind, and not see how it's turned into some spruced-up, rug-rat filled silly shadow of what it once was.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting different results

huh? umm " Insanity is a demented inability to connect with reality in a normal way. It has no fundamental connection with illogical repetition, although such repetition might well be a symptom of insanity."


hmmmmm

Wow, totally had like complete revelation today. I thought that the Liquitex Paint demonstration would be just a great way to get free paint but OMG it was sooooooooooooooo awesome. I'll admit I almost fell asleep through some parts of it but the demonstrations were so ill. I didn't realize until now how much you can do with acrylic paint; it's ridiculous! Now I want to like go out and buy like a million mediums and varnishes and retarders and natural and synthetic hues and ...........................

Can't wait to do drawing homework for next week (never thought I'd ever say that). I'ma get huge canvases and break 'em apart and use like the soft liquids and the sculpting super heavy hues and my new palette knives [always wanted] and use like the string technique and the pouring technique and the beaded medium and the gloss medium and GHahHagHAhhhhh! I'm sooooo freakin out right now!

How cool would it be to be a paint and a photography major?

Coming home every weekend or so reminds me how much I dislike my mother and how much I don't want to ever be like her at all.

I love my puppy though, he's chill.

*I miss dancing sooooooooooooooooo much it hurts. I think about it just a little and I start tearing up, slol.
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*What I learned today: There needs to be those people who push the limits, otherwise the people who like to take the "moral high-ground" will have no driving meaning in their lives.
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*If I could live in a state of endless fall i would.
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*I love driving in the streets of a suburb during early/mid fall. The leaves fall from the branches in rays of colors, swirling across the windshield as if running from some imminant danger. On a long road you almost feel as if you're driving in a bubble. The leaves fly in a heavy but not malicious motion. The faster you go, the more leaves seem to be racing towards you only to end up parting last minute out of fear or respect. It feels endless. It's beautiful.
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