The secret of life is that i miss you...

Can Anyone Who Has Really Heard This Music Really Be a Bad Person?

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 06:04:35 GMT

Okay so, freshmen year --- the best part of this year I can honestly say is surprisingly not college at all. It's being in Boston, particularly, being within walking distance of awesome concert/show venues. I don't care if that sounds irresponsible or stupid or w/e. It's the truth. Everything I look forward to, everything that gets me excited beyond belief is the anticipation of seeing music live. This year I have been able to see artists live that I only dreamed of seeing. Everything from hugely popular artists to smaller unknown artists. For me, the best part of a live show (as in small venue like the Paradise or Middle East) is the intimacy, the energy, and most importantly, the emotional human connection that occurs between performer and audience.

It's funny, if there was a school for this, people who accel in attending concerts, who analyze the mood and energy of the crowd, who study and give their full attention to the music and how it's played from the microphones right down to shoes, then damn i'd transfer to there right now; art school be damned. As much as I love photography and drawing and all of that creative mumbo jumbo, I believe I would be more content in life if I was doing something involved in this world.

There's something sooo, fulfilling and inspiring about watching a singer pour their heart out into a song -- to watch them use their entire body to depict a hightened emotional feeling -- to see them become almost one with their instrument(s). I'm usually one the verge of tiny tears from atleast one song. The banter that occurs at a show, during a change of tuning or a transition from one song to the next, always makes me smile because it's just so, genuine. Laughing at a joke or hearing the stories singers tell of a previous show, things they've noticed on tour, meanings behind songs, really emphasizes the idea that, hey, these are real people and yes they care.

Care, as in, they care about what they do. The songs that they write; the music they compose. And when they can appear to play their stuff live and play to a group of people who also care, and who appreciate the singer in return for caring,(i hope that made sense) I'm sure it's a very humbling and satisfying experience. One that anyone would be lucky to encounter.

nocturne @ 3am

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 07:57:40 GMT

well
i guess i'll ~~sit here~~ lay here
i should be asleep beneath my wal-mart electric blanket
the itchy one that doesn't match my sheets
instead of this clandestine meeting of fingers to keys

at the ungodly hour of da da da 3am
[why is it an ungodly hour. how can an hour be ungodly. hours don't like, pray....]
but i'll wait here
cuz in all honesty
i don't care much for sleep
at least during the night

my name should be nocturne
there's not much to look forward to in the day
other then trees
i like trees
they're a reminder of where I wish I could be
but i wait here
as one of my main fears occurs in my current room
we weren't put here to find that one person

we weren't PUT here
it's not for the moments
though they really help
and hey, this isn't sad
remember, i'm nocturne
and this is how nocturne writes
so be happy
or, as close to it as you can come to

right now, they are not happy
unless cries and tears are synonyms for yays
weird
if i had one wish now
like some stupid storybook genie appeared
i think, i'm pretty sure
i'd waste my one wish on wishing them reconcile
so she'd stop crying
huh
i pretty much just cliff dived off of over-tired just there
haha
ciff dive
...

and i wait here
the only reason i ever look forward to sleep
is to dream sing
and imagine ppl, usually unreal
who have complete happiness in another
more emotional then physical
i'm a romantic
nocturne, the romantic
makes sense

mini Tao brain dump, lolz

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 02:12:04 GMT

~~Recycled~~ Ideas

My baby turned as blue as the moon.

I called you and asked if you wanted to come [see].

You said take a photo and show you next week

but my camera is blue and the film is too.

So I sold them all (yes the baby too)

and bought a new home

and a new you.

tao has enhanced my brain

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 06:11:14 GMT

Our Home is Odd & Barred

today. I woke up with many pockets.
I searched each one, hoping to find your hand
or your eyes.

instead

there was only tiny elephants and giraffes.
No. Stop staring. I'm not a zoo.
I won't entertain you for a small fee
then cry when you leave.

tonight. you will go to sleep in socks with ~~no toes~~ many holes
i'll laugh 'cause I can see your toes.
you'll pout and say that tiny elephants and giraffes
invaded your sock drawer last night , bent on full cotton
annihilation.

Yes. I'll make you new ones, for a small fee,
and maybe your soul.
but not tonight.
you'll cry when I leave.

tomorrow. no one will wake up in clothes.
they'll search their ~~pockets~~ their eyes, their hands
then storm the zoo.
we'll be there
asleep with the tiny elephants and giraffes
among piles of shoes, hearts and shirts.

when they reach in our cage, they'll take our souls and socks
and leave the ~~hearts~~ rest.

i love the zoo.
i hate you too.

Well, hello OT3P!

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 20:45:52 GMT

Honestly, a screamer and a speaker? I don't think I could admire her more, lol.

ahhh tao....

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 04:54:38 GMT

I wiiiissshhhhh i could just, get inside of Tao's mind.............luvs it~~~

Tao Lin

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

i will learn how to love a person and then i will teach you and then we will know

seen from a great enough distance i cannot be seen
i feel this as an extremely distinct sensation
of feeling like shit; the effect of small children
is that they use declarative sentences and then look at your face
with an expression that says, 'you will never do enough
for the people you love'; i can feel the universe expanding
and it feels like no one is trying hard enough
the effect of this is an extremely shitty sensation
of being the only person alive; i have been alone for a very long time
it will take an extreme person to make me feel less alone
the effect of being alone for a very long time
is that i have been thinking very hard and learning about existence, mortality,
loneliness, people, society, and love; i am afraid
that i am not learning fast enough; i can feel the universe expanding
and it feels like no one has ever tried hard enough; when i cried in your room
it was the effect of an extremely distinct sensation that 'i am the only person
alive,' 'i have not learned enough,' and 'i can feel the universe expanding
and making things be further apart
and it feels like a declarative sentence
whose message is that we must try harder'

...

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 20:41:51 GMT

another reason i hate god.
he gives cancer to people who don't deserve it,
wtf.

AMY LEE = <3

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 07:13:30 GMT

okay so, tonight: Amherst - Mullins Center -- reminded me of why i fuckin love evanescence soo much.
#1. Amy Lee is Fuckin Awesome; still is and always will be my idol
#2. Head-banging is so totally HOT
#3. totally still [goth] inside
#4. piano/colored light shows = mind trip to magical land of darkness and amazingness
#5. Amy Lee is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO nice/funny!
#6. her voice makes me cry, her eyes make me die

I had heard earlier that during this tour she had started playing "Understanding (Wash it All Away)" (wicked ill-asss beautiful old song from Origin *squee*) so I was PRAYYINGG to all that is right in the world that she would play it tonight and SHE DID AND IT WAS AMAZINGXXXXX GAH.

so yah, that song completely made my life. + mullins center is definetley up there on best concert venues cuz i can get soooooo close without risk of being stomped on to death, lol. [seriously]

So, in summary, show was awesome, amy was fuckin amazing/beautiful/fun, set was ill, lights were crazy, music was incredible, venue was chill, freinds were love.

Can't wait till I see them again. Like I told chris tonight, "Every time that I see them, it's like the first time".
and oh, it really is

For it is to be...

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 16:38:09 GMT

For it is to be considered that this passion of which we speak, though it begin with the young, yet forsakes not the old, or rather suffers no one who is truly its servant to grow old, but makes the aged participators of it, not less than the tender maiden, though in a different and nobler sort. For it is a fire that, kindling its first embers in the narrow nook of a private bosom, caught from a wandering spark out of another private heart, glows and enlarges until it warms and beams upon multitudes of men and women, upon the universal heart of all, and so lights up the whole world and all nature with its generous flames. It matters not, therefore, whether we attempt to describe the passion at twenty, at thirty, or at eighty years. He who paints it at the first period will lose some of its later, he who paints it at the last, some of its earlier traits. Only it is to be hoped that, by patience and the Muses' aid, we may attain to that inward view of the law, which shall describe a truth ever young and beautiful, so central that it shall commend itself to the eye, at whatever angle beholden.

poemmmmmm hubbbbaba

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 03:18:20 GMT

Why is it that my eyes burn?

Why is it that my eyes burn?

My hands say it’s from overworking.
My legs say it’s from running.
My heart says it is from running,
my mind…it doesn’t say anything.

And my eyes…still burn.

I wonder, would it be silly to will oneself to cry?

The need to express emotion is almost silly.
I’ll tap my fingers and hum hum hummm.
Some tune that will hopefully awaken my heart strings,
because tugging at them alone just doesn’t work.

Then I’ll blink, as my eyes become dry.

Two more blinks, and they shut.
It’s amazing how I see more when I can’t see at all.
First, I’ll wish to see something I’ll never know,
then I’ll wish to be something I’ll never have.

…makes my eyes squeeze tightly.

Finally, one tear falls.
And my eyes…still burn.

wtfif

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 06:11:39 GMT

again, why do i continue to come home some weekends. ma mere has more faces then a freakin rubix cube.

a walking past

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 21:37:46 GMT

When I look back to when I was younger, I remember that the highlights of going to elementary and middle school was the actual "walking" there. I was mos def a hardcore walker - even if I wasn't looking forward to school that day, I always looked forward to walking there. It was really nice to live so close to each school.

I remember thinking how beautiful/amazing it was, especially on sunny summer days w/ a breeze, on cool fall days w/ colorful foliage, and on heavy winter days when the snow was soooo high that I thought I was in some offset of Narnia or other mysterious/foreboding wonderland.

I also looked forward to walking to school because I usually walked with a friend/friends that lived near by or on the way, and that was always/most of the time fun. I remember in elementary school, I used to walk/ ride my bike with my best friend e.j.. Our parents would either walk us to the start of the Paton path, or just see us off. And we'd usually race there, or play imaginary or tag on the way.

In middle school, for sixth and half of seventh grade, I walked there each day and met up with my best friend Brittany on the way. That was really fun too. In middle school I remember it being fun to always be going over your friends' houses after school, doing homework and just playing around. Brittany and I did that a lot in sixth grade and most of seventh.

As awesome as it was to be the first eighth grade at the new high school, I was really sad that I wouldn't be a walker anymore, since the new high school is on like the freaking edge of town. I think I was also scared to because unlike a lot of kids, I wasn't used to riding a bus to school. The idea seemed incredibly foreign to me. The only time I had ridden them really was when we had field trips in the younger grades, and somehow I had this irrational fear that by riding the bus I would contract some sort of evil illness that came from ingesting toxic bus fumes. Gahh. But I quickly got used to it - the getting up and waiting and riding. What really got me through that was the radio and my music. Ha, I remember how every single day in eighth grade and ninth grade, while waiting for the bus to come, I'd by listening to 94.5fm Romero & Pebbles and would always hear that days' "jamscan", soooooo funny. My dad loved them too.

I was really disappointed that I never got to attend any school at the old high school. I loved that building and had sooooo many memories there, and was really looking forward to the day that I'd be a student there. Nowadays, I really try to avoid from going to it now that it's been turned into another middle school, which is hard to do seeing as how my mom works there now. But like, I dunno, I just want to keep the vision, the memory of how it used to be in my mind, and not see how it's turned into some spruced-up, rug-rat filled silly shadow of what it once was.

<3 Ingrid

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 03:55:53 GMT

She said
you're a masochist
for falling for
me

I go on forever

please, sing

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 01:06:45 GMT

that feeling was there
i felt it bubbling up in my throat
the longing to just sing
call out a song verse
cry out a rhyme
have it echo around an empty room
i waited and held it in
it's been awhile
and she's drawing in quiet
be foolish to break that peace
hummm in my head
tap my fingers
scratch scratch pencil over lines
it's close for now
remember days of open song
new tunes every week
it was cool and beautiful and lame
and now part of another life
i still feel it though
burning in my chest and lungs
how has the voice changed?
how will it change?

Random Idiom analysis

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 05:53:41 GMT

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting different results

huh? umm " Insanity is a demented inability to connect with reality in a normal way. It has no fundamental connection with illogical repetition, although such repetition might well be a symptom of insanity."

hmmmmm

Revelation! = wtf, acrylic?!?!

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 18:29:11 GMT

Wow, totally had like complete revelation today. I thought that the Liquitex Paint demonstration would be just a great way to get free paint but OMG it was sooooooooooooooo awesome. I'll admit I almost fell asleep through some parts of it but the demonstrations were so ill. I didn't realize until now how much you can do with acrylic paint; it's ridiculous! Now I want to like go out and buy like a million mediums and varnishes and retarders and natural and synthetic hues and ...........................

Can't wait to do drawing homework for next week (never thought I'd ever say that). I'ma get huge canvases and break 'em apart and use like the soft liquids and the sculpting super heavy hues and my new palette knives [always wanted] and use like the string technique and the pouring technique and the beaded medium and the gloss medium and GHahHagHAhhhhh! I'm sooooo freakin out right now!

How cool would it be to be a paint and a photography major?

note to self: stay at school

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 05:26:39 GMT

Coming home every weekend or so reminds me how much I dislike my mother and how much I don't want to ever be like her at all.

I love my puppy though, he's chill.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 05:23:07 GMT

Dear life,

where is your reset button?

heh, well

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 20:31:37 GMT

*I miss dancing sooooooooooooooooo much it hurts. I think about it just a little and I start tearing up, slol.
--------------------------------------------------------------

*What I learned today: There needs to be those people who push the limits, otherwise the people who like to take the "moral high-ground" will have no driving meaning in their lives.
--------------------------------------------------------------

orange, red, yellow, brown....

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 20:22:45 GMT

*If I could live in a state of endless fall i would.
--------------------------------------------------------------

*I love driving in the streets of a suburb during early/mid fall. The leaves fall from the branches in rays of colors, swirling across the windshield as if running from some imminant danger. On a long road you almost feel as if you're driving in a bubble. The leaves fly in a heavy but not malicious motion. The faster you go, the more leaves seem to be racing towards you only to end up parting last minute out of fear or respect. It feels endless. It's beautiful.
--------------------------------------------------------------

Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 18:30:16 GMT

>>i've always liked John Mayer. I've never been like an ubsessed jm fan like ma friend miranda, but I do have my favorites. Why Geroga, Clarity, Neon, Stupid Mouth, Tori............etc. This new song I guess that's on his newest album Continuum, Heart of Life, it's really beautiful. but like, a simple beautiful. like rain. The first time I heard it was when I'd found out that Grampa was really sick. It was a thurs and I was heading to ma friends house to give him a present before I left for Penn. It seemed so surreal and almost ironic that right at that moment, the radio began to play that song, and i knew it was john mayer and it was just so pretty and soothing. i knew the next chance i had that i would dl it. the lyrics were so pretty and the chorus echoed in my head the rest of the day.

<3 of life

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

>>one of my favorite songs (probably my most favorite soft song), hands on deck by waking ashland. up until two days ago, i didn't even know that there was a video for it, and it was no surprise to me that the vid was really pretty and dreamlike and that there was actually two versions of this lovely song. waking ashland is definetly one of my favorite bands, but i don't think they get enough recognition. I know that hands on deck has the potential to be played widely and repeatedly just as much or even more as hey there delilah. ah well.

All hands on deck
Don't abandon the ship
You'll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don't let me go, don't let me drown

A step to the right to your own rhythm
And what comes next is up to you
And I need a miracle to save me from this
And I need the angels to all pray for me
I can't believe you

All hands on deck
Don't abandon the ship
You'll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don't let me go, don't let me drown

Another day, another worry breaks right through
And indecision bleeds me dry
She's painting pictures I'm not making for her
And she's got a vision without me in mind
I can't believe it

All hands on deck
Don't abandon the ship
You'll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don't let me go, don't let me drown

All hands on deck
Don't abandon the ship
You'll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don't let me go, don't let me drown

The long walks on Moonlight Beach
The promises you could not keep
They're so contagious, you're so contagious
For all the world we did not see
And all the smiles you gave to me
They're so contagious, so very fake...

All hands on deck
Don't abandon the ship
You'll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don't let me go, don't let me drown

And goodbye to you, goodbye to you, you
And goodbye to you, goodbye to you, you

this, i could definetly see as my "death" song, or have it playing when someone makes a great sacrifice for someone else, or something dramatic like that...llol

>> Recently, when I listen to my music, I find myself thinking about whether or not I could see this song being played on an episode of Buffy. Like, the other day, I was listening to some Coldplay, when Don't Panic came on. I love that song, but it's to short for such a great tune. But, anyway, I was listenin to it and I thought, now this, this is a song that i could see being played on Buffy, probably during season 5 or 6, then later on, I was listenin to You by Switchfoot, and that song is just, wow, beautiful melody -- puts you right to sleep with a melodic blanky, lol. yah that song, i could definetly see it being played in either like season 2 or 3, when love on that show was most dramatic. and then before I went to sleep, the song A Rush of Blood to the Head (again by Coldplay) I could see that song playing on both Buffy, OTH, and Smallville. It's slow and the lyrics flow nicely with the percussion -- just wonderful. *sigh

He said I'm going to buy this place and burn it down
I'm going to put it six feet underground
He said I'm going to buy this place and watch it fall
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls
Oh I'm going to buy this place and start a fire
Stand here until I fill all your heart's desires
Because I'm going to buy this place and see it burn
Do back the things it did to you in return

Ah, ah, ah
He said Oh I'm going to buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Oh and I'm going to buy this place, that's what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head to the head

(And) honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
Start as you mean to go on

He said I'm going to buy this place and see it go
Stand here beside my baby watch the orange glow
Some'll laugh and some just sit and cry
But you just sit down there and you wonder why
So I'm going to buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
And I'm going to buy this place, that's what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head

And honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
As you mean to go on, as you mean to go on

So meet me by the bridge, meet me by the lane
When am I going to see that pretty face again
Meet me on the road, meet me where I said
Blame it all upon
A rush of blood to the head

>> My hairdresser, Patty, she's a really caring, strong willed, outspoken lady. I've been getting my hair straightened by her for about six years now this August. She loves her family, and she absolutely loves her job. but over the years, she hasn't had the best luck with bosses and with places to work, and she finally found her perfect location. She rents out a room at this cute little house in worcester and she's her own boss. Basically, what she'd been wanting. And today, I had my last appointment with her before I leave for college in the fall. Well, she told me that she had MS and that because of it, she wouldn't be able to work anymore as a full time hairdresser and that she'd most likely be in a wheelchair by the time that she's sixty. I could tell that she was really bummed about it cuz she was finding it really hard to stop working and to leave her new location. She'd have to stay at home and spend all of her time taking car of grandkids (she's not even that old really, maybe like 42/45ish). She told me that she'd continue doing only a couple of her favotire clients out of the home though, which was a relief to my mom and i. For me, finding the right hairdresser is like finding the right doctor or laywer (serioiusly). But when she'd told me that she had MS and that it was getting worse and worse, it reminded me that I had something wrong wit my back too. but at that time,, i couldn't remember what it was called, so i started having like a mini freak out in my mind, thinking that i had like MS and how I'm going to be in a wheelchair by the time i'm 60 *shiver*. so when i got home i had to think hard for like 10 mins before i remembered that wat i had was scoliosis, not MS. at the same time though, it's still scary cuz, I really didn't have to worry about it getting worse cuz i had dance 4to5 times a week. but now, with college, i'm not taking dance classes anymore, which is already a big change for me. but i'm always worried that from lack of stretching and dancing and all that, that eventually my back will get worse and that is just something i just don't want to go through. after getting myself all worked up for like a half hour, i just decided to take a nap and listen to some j.e.w. it helped, lol.

oh and i realized today that iced green tea, dude, it tastes just like liquid jello! mmmmmm

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 01:08:49 GMT

When everything feels like it's falling apart.
When the world's being unfair as fuck.
When the inevitable finally comes,

i'll turn to music before I turn to God

everytime.

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 22:46:51 GMT

music videos from the '90's expressed a lot, and meant something.

even the random ones.

ooollllddd

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 13:31:45 GMT

okay so i just went thorugh my old vampfreaks profile (my web journal in middle school) and found a poem i'd wrote a long time ago. i really liked dark stuff back then, if you can't tell by the tone. i'm gonna post it here so i don't like loose it.
*oh and don't worry cael, i'm all smiley right now, seeeeee ;-D lol

No Such Sin

There is meaning in the words we say
that carry on from day to day
yet behind each breath there's a hardened pause
makes you appear thoughtful when you're really lost
fire and skin
there's no such sin
just a closed off path
and a fallen gate
with words and thoughts like these
what's the point in fate?
fear not the dark, it's just void of light
fear god and truth, and all that's right
cold hands, cold hearts, open eyes
i see what they see right before they die
and i wished it helped
like i've seen it done before
but hell doesn't care what's true and what's lore
so don't try for meaning in you common words
each day will end, each pause will let up
there is no such sin
as a sigh of remorse
i hope, i bleed, and for the last time breath

i really don't remember wat i'd did the day i wrote this, i just know that it was on halloween and i had been listening to razor sharp by collide. guess i was just full of halloween cheer, lol. i promised miranda i'd keep practicing writing though, so hopefully they'll get better.

now off to get an espresso maker! whoo!

A Deathgrip on Yesterday

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 05:35:17 GMT

i'd rather die then loose my memory.

i never want to play beer-pong again.

there needs to be more days in a week.

i want to play for tristan prettyman.

buffy should have had an eigth season.

akwardness shouldn't be allowed around people you've known pretty much your whole life.

foreign languages should be simple.

letting go needs to be a lot easier.

inspiration should always be accompanied by revelations and misfortunes.

stupid silly habits.

music has healing power.

take me back to the van, the snow globe, the club house, the cement block bases.

money is worthless, yet today, worthless is everything.

life needs a narrator. let's call susan sarandon.

i don't understand circles.

bring me to a sonic, please.

don't end with a bang.

i want to paint the white walls.

psychic power is a skill you should be able to wish upon someone else, momentarily

tomorrow is too soon.